Writing this has made me realise I’ve really gotten more than I bargained for throughout this situation. I never expected for everything to happen like this and be so affected by it all. I’m not naïve, I know time changes a lot of things, and I only have to look at my life these past 2 years to know that things never stay the same. I never know what’s going to happen anymore; then again, another thing said about time is that it’s a great healer, although in moments I don’t think I can agree. Time only seems to make things worse for me.

I remember you as a child and how often you used to giggle and smile. You were the sweetest little boy a mother could ask for. Teachers and friends raved about how kind you were. As you became a teenager, I watched you blossom into your own person. Confident, funny, intelligent and articulet and a gifted drawer. You developed your own unique person. We had so much fun together. Being goofy, playing board games, beating Dad in footy, whatever we did together we were the greatest team. Watching you made me think of all the opportunities that lay before you and how I wanted to be just like you when I grew up. All your friends cherished you. You were always loyal, a good listener and so trustworthy. I remember mum crying at every milestone and birthday because she was so proud. Everything you did was perfect in my eyes. I felt so close to you. You brought so much meaning to my life and our family; but something happened; somewhere along the lines I lost you. I long for the conversations we used to have and the times we would spend together. I am invisible to you. I can’t get close to you and that scares me so much. I don’t know these new friends you’re spending all your time with. I don’t know where you are most of the time or when you will be home. I need to know that you are safe. I only want to help you but nothing I do is reaching you. I’m losing you and I don’t know how to bring you back.

You think your “friends” didn’t change you, but you’re blind to what you see. You live off the never ending high of false happiness, the beer, the girls, the LSD. Although little do you realise something more worthwhile than your weed, our family.  It’s much easier isn’t it? Finding sympathy and love in a 30 inch gauge. I’ve been replaced by your new best-friend, but you should be careful, I hear he destroys lives. I know you won’t even try to change because it’s always in the back of your mind.

You only know what you learn, but I was far too young to experience what I’ve had to over the years. I’m losing hope and my mind is beginning to race. You were never really there and when you did come home you would just sit in your room and stare at the computer screen with your big hazel eyes that snarled together with tiny bloodshot veins. You chose drugs over us, but at least you love yourself, that’s a plus.

As the glass meets your lips, as the sweet smoke fills your lungs. I can feel you losing your grip and you are beginning to slip. Your world fades to grey and your mind begins to sway. Your days start with the sound of a chesty cough, you smash down your sins with a bottle of beer. Mum walks in and silently begs, “When will it stop?” but you never reply, you load again, wondering why.

This is it. This is the end. I can’t handle the lies and the deceit. Will I see you in the light again? Because the world I see is black to me and there is no hope left for me to grip upon. When the drugs get to you, and you forget me, I hope you will survive the world of madness. But, I beg, please don’t forget me, I am alone and unlovable. For you cannot stop what you’ve begun. With your chosen poison you take another sip, you become undone. Your pain is eased for today, your heart no longer feels broken, but brother please, remember sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realised your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

There will be moments when the only thing left is for you to question your existence. Life can be so damned hard for each of us. There are always days when we get so lonely and depressed without you around, and we cry. We feel that the world has lost its colours, when the rest of the world is happy and you are not. There will be times when we lose all reasons for living; and problems will seem so hard that we wish there was no such thing as tomorrow. But then again, we should also know, that they are just resentments, trying to twist each of us; and corrupt our perceptions about life. When these times happen, do not succumb to the temptations of giving up. Yes, to live is to suffer and the only way to be happy is to suffer willingly. Often, the worst of times yields the best lessons in life. We have to go on in life’s extremes. We don’t have to give up because pain is inevitable but brother I think you have forgotten that suffering is optional.

Rip the earth in two with your mind
Seal the urge which ensues with brass wires
I never meant you any harm
But your tears feel warm as they fall on my forearm

I close my eyes for a while
And force from the world a patient smile

How can you say that your truth is better than ours?
Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms
The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home
If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won